How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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