I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
