Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
