You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Send help, water and tortillas.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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