Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
