Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
