Don't you send me to vm
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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