At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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