Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You ate ashes out of my bong
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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