I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
