Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet