I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
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Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica