He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge