We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
