I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
