I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
