life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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