Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
