I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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