did you get engaged???
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
