after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
