he wants to bone in the snuggie
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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