This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
