i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
