she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
