so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
