I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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