wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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