I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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