What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
