girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
