So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
