I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
