There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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