i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
His hands were made for my vagina.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
