FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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