Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
