he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
