There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
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i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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