The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
