It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
