sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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