We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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