Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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