If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You smell like stripper and shame
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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