Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
