Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
