just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I could make wine with my vomit
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
