Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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