I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
