i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
