hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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