as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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