I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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