Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
