Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
