he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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