Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
