she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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