I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
